170401 gondolas ct edit01.tif qdjd3n

"LOCALS DEMAND MORE WRAPPED GONDOLAS"

While media entities around the world have embraced the holiday of hoax with mock headlines long before we were living in a fake news nightmare, locally, the Aspen Daily News dedicates an entire edition to it.

Since the late ’90s, Aspen’s only independently owned newspaper has published the Aspen Daily Planet on April 1–arguably one of its most anticipated papers all year. The entire masthead comes together in mid-March—Saturday Night Live writer’s room–style—rehashing the most controversial and jaw-dropping stories from throughout the year, with the final lineup assigned across the newsroom. From fictitious features on A1, letters to the editor, and daily events to horoscopes, ads, and TV listings (yes, they still print them, and we love them for it), the Aspen Daily Planet pokes fun at the absurdity of small ski-town life in the best way possible. 

“What a unique opportunity to get to work on the April Fools' Day paper. We try to be funny, smart, and not piss people off,” says Aspen Daily News editor Curtis Wackerle (a.k.a. Worthless Crackerle). “Those are sometimes conflicting interests, and it can be a tricky balance. My predecessor taught me to put anything questionable through a test of 'what’s the upside … what’s the downside?' of publishing. Hopefully, we hit the mark."

The ADN definitely hits it. Here, in no particular order, we round up the five most spit-out-your-coffee-inducing stories from the Aspen Daily Planet on April 1, 2017: 

1. Event Calendar: Uphill Addicts Anonymous

Meets at sunrise, every day at the base of Aspen Mountain. Do you find yourself sleeping in spandex just to shave minutes off your uphill time in the morning, or talking about how you could have gotten faster time except that the cat got out? This session is for you. Meet other people who are also obsessed with skinning and find support. We dare you to not race each other. (During the summer, this group will meet at the bottom of the Ute Trail.) 

2. Ski Co to install champagne-filled hot tub at Cloud 9*

Aspendailyplanet tek3rk

In a surprising announcement yesterday Ski Co unveiled plans to put a 15 person hot tub on the deck at Cloud 9. "We have been trying to figure out the next big thing at Cloud 9," Ski Co President Mike Kaplan said. "We obviously have the whole spraying champaign thing down and our Cloud 9 hats are so popular right now. The hot tub is going to push the Cloud 9 experience over the top!" Imagine being in a hot tub full of champagne with 14 of your best friends although this won't be a normal 15 person hot tub. It will be filled with the Cloud 9 signature Veuve Clicquot champagne. At a cost of only $25,000 it's priced so that everyone in Aspen can afford it and its a smoking deal when you consider that you get a 15 person hot tub full of Veuve Clicquot champagne. You get a Cloud 9 signature 24 karat gold straw to drink hot tub champagne and all of the Veuve you can drink for a hour and a half. You'll be the envy of all your friends when you show them your golden Cloud 9 straw ... take that trendy 'C9' hat. The local Hot Tub Experts at Crystal River Spa's have been contracted to build and install this hot tub. Owner Jake Boyle's said the hardest part was getting jets just right so that you don't have to many bubbles. "Ski Co called and asked if we could build a Hot Tub that could be fill with Champagne. I told Kaplan I have one my deck right now that's full of wine." "This has been an amazing experience! If you need a hot tub for an unconventional setting, call Jake at Crystal River Spas. He's a genius." said Mike Kaplin. All of the improvements to cloud 9 Peril in comparison to the addition of the campaign hot tub. The building has finally come full circle back to its roots as a warming hut, only now it's for the upper 1%.
*pardon the intentional typos

3. Commentary & Daily Opinion: Correction

The article in the paper the other day about Suchnsuch Haus misrepresented the square footage of the locals-only spa as 1,200 square feet. It will actually be 12 square feet, a hotbox of sorts, and available in 12-minute increments. And you're lucky to get that, ingrates.  

4. News in Brief: Trump Kids come for winter, stay for summer

In a story as old as Aspen, a prominent family visiting for spring break has decided to stay for the summer. Three of Trump's offspring, Donnie Jr., Ivanka, and the other son have chosen to stay in Aspen for the upcoming summer season. Donnie was overhead at Slowmo's Deli saying, "I never realized this place wasn't snowy all the time. I should see it before non-man-made climate change messes things up." After much discussion including logistics, who gets the big room, and finding a chef, the children chose to book an Airbnb on Red Mountain for the summer. The palatial 10,420-square-foot home features its own situation room, which doubles as a terrace veranda with sweeping views from Independence Pass to Snowmass. "I guess we're locals now. I hope they give me a stool at the Aspen Beer Works," said Trump Jr. Of course, they'll weather the wet season of April and May in a variety of locations, paid for by the American taxpayers. But expect delays June through August with a flurry of secret service agents and paparazzi on the streets of Aspen. The Airbnb space they rented is owned by Russian oligarchs who hacked your brain last fall. No word yet on whether the one other son will apply for employee housing in the fall. Recent federal budget cuts by their father could impact his chances of scoring employee housing should he extend his stay into the fall. 

5. News in Keef: Snowmass Canyon man says Hymen Street Mall dispensary with no stairs is best

Stephen Wit, a self-professed "big-boned" resident of the Snowmass Canyon region, said Friday that he enjoys visiting the Green Iguana pot shop on the Hymen Street Mall more than others because of its flat terrain. "Goldpique, Native Stems, Stems RX, too many stairs, man," Wit said, clearl yunder the influence of the Afghooey-Blucifer hybrid he bought 45 minutes ago. "At Goldpique, you might as well buy a burger at 420 Grill to stock up before climbing what feels like feating' Everest to get out of there." Wit then wheezed his way to a Downtowner golf cart in front of city hall and rode in it to Peaches, hwere he ordered a Bloody Mary and argued with the staff about why he could not order the French Toast Waffle off the kids' menu. 

For a full-on laugh attack, pick up a copy around town or read the online e-edition from afar at aspendailynews.com.

Filed under
Show Comments