Bitten by a radioactive spider, young Peter Parker uses his new super powers to keep the citizens of New York safe from evildoers. A refugee from a destroyed planet, Superman fights for truth, justice, and the American way in crime-ridden Metropolis. Batman, totally given the willies by a bunch of bats as a kid, patrols Gotham City with a watchful eye.
But why is it that only the big cities get all the superhero attention? Sure, Aspen doesn’t have a Lex Luthor equivalent, but it’s not without its own evils that need combatting. This looks like a job for....
Origin: Bitten by a radioactive mathematician
Super Power: Ability to calculate individual charges for large, lively dining parties in the blink of an eye, thereby saving the helpless citizen from paying $95 for a house salad and two bites of calamari.
Arch-Nemesis: Let’s-Just-Divide-It-Evenly Man
Origin: Bitten by a radioactive John Denver fan
Super Power: Champion of the non-wicking undergarment. Doer of good taste. Has the almost otherworldly ability to engage in an outdoor leisure activity in Aspen without donning clothes that make him look like a cross between a pinball machine and a Hawaiian shirt-wearing peacock.
Arch-Nemesis: The Plum Smuggler, a.k.a. Spandexia
THE BLACK COFFEE WIDOW
Origin: As a child, she was fed radioactive espresso beans while being forced to wait in endless coffee shop lines.
Super Power: The Widow orders a medium-sized drip coffee, every time. No room. No syrup. No whip. No ice. No mocha. No cinnamon pumpkin spice sprinkles. Nothing. Just coffee—in a cup. A cup of coffee, if you will. Black. Her heroic actions keep coffee lines moving faster than a speeding bullet.
Arch-Nemesis: Barista-casso, the Latte Foam Portrait Artist
Origin: Years of yoga classes have allowed her to channel annoyance into mysterious telekinetic powers. (The yoga instructor was probably radioactive.)
Power: Can jam all cell phones within earshot, including texting, photo, and video functions. Wherever people cry out for a text-free interaction, she’ll be there. Wherever cell phone conversations are louder than a passing bus, she’ll be there. Whenever the guy in front of you at the concert decides to hold his phone up to videotape the entire event while simultaneously using his other phone to call all his friends to make them guess where he is, she’ll be there.
Arch-Nemesis: Gotta-Take-This-Call Man
EMBRACES CHANGE MAN
Origin: Nibbled ever so slightly by a radioactive Zen Buddhist monk.
Super Power: EC Man has the superhuman power to see the inevitability of transformation. A new art museum? Awesome! Wider road? Way cool. Construction traffic? Hey, progress is progress! Often seen in the company of his sidekick, The Duck’s Back, he wages a never-ending battle of calm acceptance. He even gets a new cape every six months, just to keep it fresh.
Arch-Nemesis: Mister Stasis
Origin: While on a hike, she mistakenly took a nap atop a sacred Ute burial ground.
Power: Perspective Girl awoke from her siesta to realize that she had the ability to instantly transport herself and others to faraway lands. Due to her unique upbringing—she was raised by wolves (Sid and Emily Wolf, very kind and gracious people)—she decides to use her power to stop whiners in their tracks. When she hears someone complaining that their aioli is too bitter, she whisks them off to Somalia for the rest of the afternoon. When they return they have a different take on the menu options.
Arch-Nemesis: Mediocre-Dessert-Cart Man